Nagini and the sexy snake charmers
by Run-by fruiting
Summary: Voldemort is dying and needs to select an appropriate heir for his 'dark kingdom'.But he dies without fufilling this purpose.What ensues is a contest between Snape,Lucius and Wormtail to catch Nagini and claim that which they need to be the next King!
1. Chapter 1

Nagini and the sexy snake charmers- a misnomer if ever there was one.

NOTE: do not read this if you have any sensitivity to the parody of Harry Potter characters. Also if you are in any way homophobic perhaps it would be better if you tossed off right now. Thanks.

Most characters are not my own but the legal property of Joanne Kathleen Rowling.

**PART ONE**

Imagine that your sight is being brought through a large, long stain – glassed window of a massive mansion. That's where we shall begin. Alternatively, If this was a movie, the camera would show you a massive mansion and then go through a large, long, stained-glass window. It's not a movie but you get the picture.

A very withered man sits in a high – backed chair, wrapped in a blanket with a snake wrapped around one arm of the chair. There's no need for me to tell you his name is there? He sits atop a long table surrounded by his many advisors. He is dying and must put his affairs in order. He speaks in a wheezy voice.

Voldesex: Before I die, there is many people that I'd like to sue, or kill slowly, for copyright….em..(cough)…let's see...aha…Lord Montymort; Kill. Voldemart stores…stab. Lord Vernon Monstermart; Send a poisonous howler. Harry Potter….no copyright involved but let me stab him anyway and send him a very unpleasant letter. Yes. That will be most unpleasant for him. As for annoying Salazar Emmet Herbert Olympus Lemony Elongatus….send him a frog, filled with pomporey …but also…leprosy!

Advisor 1: Perhaps master we could….

Voldesex: Silence Wormtail!

Advisor 1: I just wanted to say…

Voldesex: I may be on my last breath so we must select a suitable heir for my dark kingdom and the knight eaters of Death. ( the motto is I could eat a death at knight )….my breath is failing me….

DROPS DEAD

….But who really cares. What we all want to know is what Wormtail was trying to say so hear it is.

Wormtail: I need to use the bathroom.

You see Voldemort and Wormtail usually went to the bathroom together. It was almost a ritual at this point in time.

Advisor 2: Certainly what the Dark Lord was trying to say was that I, Severus Snape, must follow in his footsteps and….

Advisor 3: Die. Yes that would be best. In fact it's the best idea you've ever had, Sev. And I, Lucius Sextoy ( formally Malfoy. Changed for a more adequate stage name) shall be KING!!!

Advisor 2 (Snape): King of the Gays, perhaps ….we all know your secret, Malfoy, but I shall be king of the Dark Kingdom!

Advisor 3 (sextoy): But, semenface, it is widely known that my sister's, step-brother's, father's, wife's, step-mother's, grandmother was in fact Voldemort's mother so I am closer to him in line!

Snape: Yes but your grandmother's, step-son's, daughter's, son is also that scum George W. Bush….so…

Lucius: And what connection do you have to the Dark Lord?

Snape: I was his beloved spy at Hogwarts, his right-hand man whereas you were merely his bit on the sside!!

Wormtail (quietly): What?

Lucius: Fine! We shall solve this with a duel…

Would we like to see this duel? I think not….I think we'd rather see what Wormtail was doing in the meantime…Yes.

Well…at first, he was slightly annoyed at Snape's revealation…then frightened of the argument…so he went to the bathroom…then he went to the kitchen. Had some cheese, milk and cookies. When he returned, the men where neck and neck in the fight…he feared for Nagini so he set her free…He then feel asleep wrapped in Voldemort's arms…

As for the duel…neither died…Rookwood got caught in the middle, lost his head, tripped pushing Dolohov into the fire, Dolohov fell out again pushing Bellatrix and Rodolphus (who were making-out fiercely) out the window…The rest had fled…some in search of Nagini, who had the Elder Wand stuck between her teeth…these later died in a car-crash...some like Wormtail needed the bathroom while Crabbe and Goyle senior just remembered they had left their burgers in danger of being shot at…in their Beetles (the car not the animal) which were parked in the dangerous part of town, notorious for gun-crime.

As for Lucius and Severus…well…their fight ended in a physical brawl on the floor…which later led to…

Hold on. Wormtail just did something interesting….no he's just picking his nose…never mind…

Lucius realised Snape had very nice, however cold…

Wait I think Wormtail has realised what he's done in releasing Nagini….no he's realising that a hair-dryer emits warm air and is trying to heat up Voldemort….

As for Lucius he realises he mistook his love of Snape for loathing and tries to kiss him…

Voldemort is moving……but it's just the body's reflexes slowing down….

Snape thinks there's something on his face…..

Snape: What?

Lucius: I love you!

Snape: GET OFF!

Lucius: Please!

Snape: Go back to Narcissa before I do!

Lucius: Be my guest…as long as I can kiss your…

Now Wormtail realises his mistake and is on the hunt….

Snape: Yes, ok.

Lucius: If I get it first…I'll be King and you''ll be my Queen.

Snape: But if I do, I'll be king and you're dead meat.

Lucius: Agreed.

They are not talking about Nacissa's heart or anything else of hers…ahem…but the Elder Wand. It took Snape at least two hours…and a lot of 'Cillit Bang'…to pry Lucius away from him (Lucius can be clingy you know)long enough to tell him Peter had left a note detailing his idea that whoever managed to get the wand from Nagini and own it would be the next leader…who ever though someone who spent most of their life as a rat could be that clever…

_COMING __SOON:_…The tale of chivalry, a quest to find the Elder Wand….no they don't go hand in hand at all. More like: cowardice, back-stabbing, sex and magic…and even a little rock'n'roll….

Or maybe I'll give up on the idea altogether and write a story about Dumbledore's love affairs with other homosexual men….hmm….now that's an idea….


	2. Chapter 2

I impress upon you once more…if you value characters sanities…and also their heterosexuality…do not read on….

DISCLAIMER: Anyway…did I mention that I own the grand total of two characters and one prostitute?? Yes I am pathetic. Without the large imaginative help of the genius that is Joanne Rowling.

_PART TWO._

Lucius lies dead at the bottom of a hill.

Snape would really like that wouldn't he? But no. Lucius is at the bottom of something though. (quite alive. Just wanted to see did anyone care.) He is at the bottom of Snape's tower. Yes, he has one. It's part of the manor. Lucius and Snape have decided that they will begin their quests. Snape knows he can rely on Lucius to wait until their agreed time of the next morning. He's a (feminine) man of his word. Most of the time anyway. Love, honour and obey went out the window. Except in the case of the Deatheater contract which goes rather like a marriage ceremony.

Lucius: Severus, Severus, where for art thou Severus?

No reply.

Lucius thinks Snape is lost for words so says:

Lucius: Oh, Sev, you must not be ashamed of your homosexualness nature! ( I do speak proper English. Lucius does not)

Snape was in fact ignoring this at first but when Lucius said:

Lucius: I will attempt to climb thy tower my subtle black rose!

Snape realised this was his opportunity to….

Meanwhile, Wormtail was travelling by coach. He loved the smell of public transport. So much so that he fell asleep…Ending up in Reading instead of Oxford…where Nagini last stopped for water. I'm deadly serious. How Wormtail knew this, you ask? Let's just say that all the time that he spent as a rat, finally, served him well. He had an acute sense of smell.

As for Snape, the opportunity that was made available to him was an opportunity to get ahead of Lucius. He took off as soon as it presented itself. Not on a rocket or any sort of flying machine. Voldemort was a tight-pocketed bollocks. But on a horse. Snape luckily found a trail of cookie crumbs leading to the bus station…..left, of course by peckish Wormtail…..After two hours of working out the bus-timetable there….Wormtail had graffitied it with 'Peter + Voldesex Love' in order to slow down the others….it was hard to read ( he also was mourning Voldemort and wanted to pay him some, however pathetic, tribute). Snape finally realised Nagini must be in Oxford.

Meanwhile Lucius had clumsily banged into the tower at least twice…his eyes were still blurry due to extreme amounts of 'Cilit Bang'…this impaired his vision further. Eventually, he began to climb the tower using a temporary sticking-charm on his feet.( This sticking-charm was newly invented by his crazy inventor son Draco. Draco had gone mad after leaving Hogwarts; his Oedipus complex served him badly.) As we all presumed, it was a very untested charm and Lucius fell to his death.

In the meantime, Snape had been making good time on his radiant horse….hair blowing wildly but gracefully. Snape felt amazing about himself. He began to trot with one arm swinging in the air, leaning on his other side. This must have looked wonderful for a while until Snape jumps up high in his saddle and his head hits the low-lying branch of a tree, knocking him into the lake beside it. He nearly drowns since the horse does not come to help, ( horses are selfish, you know) but discovers a boy naked in a field adjacent shouting 'eck!' and instantly falls in love. She is thus free. ( once a horse falls in love, it is a free horse.) Snape just about survives. He cannot swim because his father, the muggle in his parentage, failed to pay for swimming lessons…he spent all his money on drink and women. At first, the soaked Snape (who is falling at different intervals due to the weight of his cloak because the 'Team' uniform was cheaply made…again, Voldemort is a cheap bastard) mistakes the boy for Harry Potter…then again, his hair is stuck to his eyes…but then the horse and boy disappear…

In case you were wondering, it was Harry. Being married to the nagging slag Ginny had driven him to horses.

So Snape is stuck, wet, somewhere between London and Oxford, Wormtail is in Reading and Lucius is dead….

Well not yet.

He is fairly immobile though, lying at the bottom of Snape's stone tower which he had received from Voldemort… Wormtail had protested at the time- " why don't I get a tower?" but Voldemort just replied " when you're older, Wormtail, you can have whatever you want." Voldemort had in fact known he would keep saying this until Wormtail died.

Alright…Lucius…I almost forgot…

So Lucius is at the bottom of a tower. So we're back at the beginning. All he can move is his fingers…so he messes with leaves on the ground…he is very amused…as far as his vision is concerned he might as well be stoned. He is giddy. He will eventually die from lack of food as he can't move…but who really cares right…

He sings:

" I like leaves,

Yes I do,

I like them,

Much more than you!"


	3. Chapter 3

Part Three of Nine

This part is ridiculously short due to the unimportance of the characters described...to my plot anyway

Crabbe and Goyle had finally finished eating their beloved burgers (there was 5,000 Big-Mac's between them). They then fell asleep. They had fallen victim to some rather simple sleeping draft. The same that their sons had consumed many years before. Or rather they hadn't. They were lazy slobs who ate all day, and slept all night. Neither Snape nor Lucius deemed them clever enough to even notice anything unusual about Voldemort let alone actually realise that he was dead and everyone else was on a quest to take his place. Thus, they didn't bother to make any sleeping draft.

As for the rest of the Deatheaters or Voldemort's Black Lads, I've either forgotten their names, already killed the off in absurd ways,(such as dying of fright at the sight of a television or committing suicide by traditional poison apple because of the loss of Voldemort), or didn't think they deserved to receive a mention. If I have forgotten their names, I cannot reference them from Voldemort's Meticulous Records ( I'm using capitals not out of ignorance but because that is what he called them), which included facts such as favourite Disney princess and length when born, because they were lost in the fire WHICH CONSUMED VOLDEMORT'S WHOLE MANOR.The last bit in capitals is narrated in a very posh English accent, my, my old chap!


	4. Chapter 4

**Part Four of Nine.**

Pointless as Part Three was, here is Part Four:

Snape began to walk the road, dripping lake-water as he went. Vision failed him because his hair was covering his eyes even more that usual. Due to it's wetness, it was stuck to his face. The grease didn't help either. He would have dried himself magically had he not discovered a week ago that Bellatrix had stolen his wand….not to do magic…oh no, her wand was far superior to his…and pink…but to serve her bulimic ambitions._ EWW…I KNOW! _But how else can we explain why Snape didn't simply dry himself by magic? Would we say that the horse was in fact an animagus, Moaning Myrtle perhaps, who stole the wand and used her animagus form and Harry Potter's new-found insanity and obsession with horses to serve her dark purposes?

Snape walked for what felt like hours. The road was filled with twists, bats, drug-dealers trying to sell their wares and signposts that seemed to lead to places that didn't exist, e.g. Voldemort's Conscience, Draco Malfoy's Brain, Snoozeland, ect. These are what the signs said. They led to brick walls…dead ends…nowhere..

Finally, Snape came across an old inn called ' Sybil's Tea-Leaves'. It seems the signs were a marketing ploy.

" Finally! Some rest, food….Women!" Snape said out loud as he does very often for lack of conversation with other people.

He needed to feed his addictions and the inn was also a brothel.

When he knocked on the shawl-covered door, which emitted a farting noise, a woman in many shawls and massive glasses greeted him. The place was deserted. Tumbleweed blew across the room.

"Sorry about that noise. The bell must be broken." The woman said.

Snape: A room. For the night. And some food please.

Sybil: Food I can help you with…handsome man…but a bed of you're own..

Tramp: But miss there is…

Sybil: Not now, Ginerva!

Tramp: Yes, miss.

Sybil: Would you mind sharing…chivalrous rogue…with me?

Snape: Not at all. But I may warn you. Sex deprived for too long…and I might just jump you.

Sybil: Well…I wouldn't mind if you would…I can give you a discount on the room if you would…

Snape: Sold.

Thus, he was fed….strawberries, cream, butterbeer, chicken, more strawberries, grapes, roast potatoes (his favourite), Sherbert Lemons, carrots, chocolate, beef, chocolate, tea, cream, coffee, buterbeer. In that order. Then Sybil led Snape to a Barbie covered room (honestly) and attended to Sev's other needs…those I don't need to disclose…use you're imaginations people!

Before he left the next morning, Snape had truly made his bed-both literally (as Snape hated an unmade bed) and, well,…

Sybil was with child.


	5. Chapter 5

**Part Five**

While Snape was laying his bed, Lucius passed on….

The shoulders of two very large, muscled men…who came to his rescue. They carried him to their lair where they put him in a wheelchair decorated lavishly with flowers. One turned to the other and said in a thick accent:

" When we work hard…."

The sentence was finished to by a man with long hot pink robes, a pipe which blew out bubbles, and a long beard…tucked into his belt; the leader of the gay cult.-

"…We play hard."

Music came out of nowhere and the dark cave was filled with disco lights..

"_Should all acquaintance be forgot…"_

Gwindewald (the dj): Sorry! Wrong music!

"_Everybody dance now! De, de, de, de, de, de, de"_

Men in cloaks in all the colours under the sun appeared and began to party…

Two hours of partying proceeded…in this time, Lucius tried to ask a question over and over but no-one heard him over the music. After the two hours were finished, thirty very drunk men fell over and the leader spoke! ( I told you I'd tell this tale)

Dumbledore: You must be wondering why you are here….I should have told you two hours ago. Let me tell you everything…..LUCIUS MALFOY!!!

Lucius: It's Lucius Sextoy now, but never mind…..

Dumbledore: But you're a deatheater!!

Muscleman 1: He was found at the spot Flower-Power Freud predicted….

D: Then he must be the Chosen One.

Lucius: The what???!!!!

D: Yes…a very intelligent homosexual philosopher-our inspiration…

_Music begins "Ahh ahh ahh" going downscale_

…Plower-Fower…I mean Flower-Power…I am quite drunk you see..(hiccup)…Freud predicted our saviour would fall from the sky, mangled, next to a stone tower in the year 2004…this is the place we are situated at so it seems only right that you're tower is the one mentioned in the Fluffy Pink Clouds Prophecy…You are he…and you we must worship. We are at your service. (Everyone in the disco cave gathers themselves up and bows down…falling over again)

This statue, built in your glorious honour, is but a token of our love and power-puff devotion.

The two musclemen, later defined as sex-slaves who feed (literally and physically) the members of the Care Bear Hug Cult, bring in a statue of Lucius as he was found, legs separated almost to dis-jointment, hands shuffling through leaves, with a madly grin on his hair-covered face.

Dumbledore: This shall be our new chant…forget 'Take Me To the Gay-Bar' Gwindy!...

He sings: I like leaves,

Yes I do,

I like them,

Much more than you!

Lucius: Well….if you're at my command…I've a quest to take…to find…a mystical snake…

Dumbledore: To the Homosexual Love Mobile!

They all staggered to a hippie decorated van, inspired by Freud…

Travel continued for two hours before they realised they had forgotten Lucius.

Dumbledore: To the Dark-Disco-Sexual-Jumping-Out-A-Window-Flower-Power-Freud-Lair!

They return to carry Lucius (who they renamed Uganda) to the Homosexual Love Mobile and they started their quest….

Gwindewald: Have you locked the door, my love?

Dumbledore: FUCK IT!...


End file.
